This is the post that all the preceding 50 posts of this blog led to.
This is the piece that makes sense of it all.
This is the moment where my writing, and my being, starts to break free from the restrictive darkness in which it has been swimming. What I write here might not make much sense to you.
But nothing makes sense, until it does.
Here I am, 50 posts, 2 years, countless stumbles and mini crisis’s later, finding another level of understanding.
My world has today shifted on its axis.
For so long I’ve been happily unhappy. Treading water in an ocean of pain, confusion, blankness.
I’ve had breakthroughs before on this journey of discovery and discomfort; moments of clarity, moments of understanding, moments of immeasurable joy and bliss.
But this. This is different.
This is prolonged. I know this time. This time is for real. No triggers or clever tricks are required. I don’t need a Tony Robbins, or a jungle yoga retreat, or three hour meditations, or chemical substances, anything material, anything fancy, anything glamorous. I don’t need exhilarating experiences. or coffee.
I am already buzzing.
Voldemort is done for.
Everything that came before. The traumatic emergency C-section birth, the warring parents, the unhappy mother, the emotionally distant father, the vulnerable younger siblings, the school bullies, the spider bite, the chronic poor health, the insomnia, the relentless pressure that the Western schooling system places on our children to be better, to do better, to compare each other to each other, to get into the best universities, to get the best jobs, to have the nicest kitchen, the fastest car, to bed the most girls, to have the biggest biceps, the biggest boobs, the smartest suit, the most expensive handbag, the slenderest legs, the perfect tan, the perfect husband, the chiseled abs, the nicest, the best, the sexiest, the, the, the, the, the.
It is a relentless machine of insecurity generation. And oh how it had it me under its spell. The self doubt, the self loathing, the self. The ego. My oh so wounded ego.
What is the root of insecurity?
We can all see this if we take time to stop and look at it.
Today, however, I can no longer feel that anger towards the injustice of that toxic system which I have so frequently railed against. The anger that has sat deep inside me, silent, almost impossible to spot, but all the time controlling, dictating my life.
It all came before to provide the blessed darkness.
It’s all there to teach us.
We all have our story. The things that happen to us.
“Life is unfair!”
“Look what happened to me!”
It happens for us. Not to us.
It is all a beautiful gift. The good, the bad and the ugly.
As my rubber band was pulled further and further into the black hole of despair it grew tighter and tighter.
Two days ago the band reached a point where it could stretch no further, and whilst laid out on a beanbag deep in a guided meditation, waves of repressed anger, sadness, rage and shame flowed out of my body, one by one they flowed out of me, fists clenched, legs shaking, head twitching, I watched on as their demonic powers radiated out of me. Suddenly, the clasp holding the rubber band taught broke, and still I watched, captivated, as my entire being was hurled forward, the velocity so intense that it took my breath away. My band hurtled out of the darkness and into the light.
The fear is scared. Love has flowed into my being so fast and so hard that the fear is startled and doesn’t know where to turn. It knows its days are numbered. The fear is aware of its own inevitable demise. It knows that it is no match for this love. The love flows freely, the fear simply has nothing to cling to and is washing away.
This is the day.
The rocks in my river have broken up. The dam has broken. The water rushes through my body so fast it’s as though I’m born anew. Winter has ended. The ice has thawed. The glacial waters rush towards the ocean. The ocean of possibility. There is a new energy there. A new frequency. Creativity. A new life. For so long I wanted only to feel better. Now I want it all.
As I walked through Sydney’s Hyde park, much quieter than usual, light rain falling from the sky, a rainbow stretching overhead, I sang the indigenous sounds of Xavier Rudd’s ‘Spirit Bird’ at the top of my lungs, feeling the fear of judgement from the few people walking through the park around me ebb away. Tears streamed from eyes and my heart burst open into a million rays of love, for me, for us, for the world, for everything.
Hey Mana ya Yo Yo Yo
I don’t know what it means but at the same time I know what it means.
I stopped walking, looked to the rain falling through the rays of morning sunlight and was taken aback by the beauty of what I beheld. I sobbed with joy.
Finally I see the truth of this life, of this earth, of the teachings of Jesus Christ before Christianity did perverse things with his lessons, turning his messages of love into messages of fear. Fear to control us. To monetise us.
I watch the news reported in the media at the moment and can see straight through the web of lies and deceit being wrought to control us further. Fear is being thrust upon us. The church may have lost its power in the West, but its methods are still very much in use.
The truth is that we are the universe. Each and every one of us. We are not separate. We are one. Not individuals. A collective. To realise this is to realise that hatred or distrust towards another is merely a form of self hatred. For if one truly loves oneself unconditionally there can be no room in that heart for hatred or jealousy.
God is not some white man in the sky with a beard.
(If you dislike the word God feel free to replace it with ‘Divine Light’, or ‘The Universe’).
God is us. We are God.
The universe is made up of energy. That’s it. Just energy. Break physical matter apart and all you will find is energy within.
That energy is God, divine light, the universe.
If energy is God, and everything is energy, then how can we not be god? I am god just as much as you are god. Jesus talked of it. The Christ within. Within all of us.
There is dark and there is light.
Until we realise we are the light there will be darkness.
There is fear and there is love.
Until we realise we are love there will be fear.
When fear and darkness fills some part of us, we are missing a fraction of the light and love we are entitled to. It is our birthright. When fear fills more of us than love, then we start to break apart. We get sick. We become unhappy. We look externally, desperately seeking the thing to fill in the hole where that missing love should be. A person, an object, an experience. Anything to make us feel ok.
Love is what we are all really searching for.
John Lennon knew this.
Jesus knew this.
Buddha knew this.
Ram Dass knew this.
God rest their beautiful souls.
Beautiful, blissful, and joyful unconditional love. This is the true currency of the universe.
This is the state we are born to be in, and this is the state that we choose when we face down our fears. When we accept those fears and see them for what they truly are. They are beautiful teachings, the darkness, that finally, when we are ready, allows us to step into the light.
For decades I have stumbled through the dark, not knowing where to turn or what to do.
I choose love.
I walk around this city I call home and see glum faces everywhere I look. The smiles are desperately few. It pains me to bear witness to this. The world desperately needs light wherever it can be shone. My torch is switched on and shining right at you.
This is my truth.