For years I have proudly declared myself an atheist. How smug I felt as I announced:
“There is no God, obviously. As if there can be a man in the sky making all the decisions. It makes no sense, it’s all a load of old bollocks!”
For years I have looked down with pity and almost something that, in hindsight, feels like scorn, on those who “still” follow a religion. For years I have thought of them as powerless, and stupid fools. Who in their right mind would believe the fairy tales of that old book, the oldest of books?
The Bible, The Torah, the Quran, The Vedas.
For years I have declared my total faith in democracy, capitalism and science. Science!
But what a conflicted individual I have been, as I found myself disagreeing with politics, losing interest and attachment to the material world, and struggling for years with chronic health problems that my beloved science could not come up with a solution to. I clung to my beliefs for years and years, trusting in the system into which I was born, despite living my life in a fog of borderline depression and malaise. Medicating myself with alcohol and cigarettes, intense exercise, and mercifully small patches of gambling addiction, finding some relief in those addictions, both with the chemicals and with the desperately-needed connections they facilitated.
Why did I drink? To escape my life.
Why did I smoke? To ease my loneliness.
Why did I gamble? To chase money to ease my insecurity.
Why did I pound the treadmill? To protect my mind from the noise.
I’ve been drunk three times since August. With each re-entry to the game of self-destruction and merriment I lose more interest in it and the merriment is harder to find. I no longer feel drawn to it. The only purpose it seems to hold for me now is self-destruction. But I no longer want to self-destruct.
Something happened to me when I attended that ecstatic dance two years ago (link here and part two here). The dance that led to the creation of this blog. I felt a freedom in the moments during and after which I had only felt before in chemical intoxication. It was mind-blowingly liberating. It was the start of an addiction to a new substance. Life itself.
There was no sense in the self-destruction any more. I wanted to live to experience life beyond pain. I had found a tribe. We sang. We danced. We hugged. That was just the beginning. I walked out of that room grinning from ear-to-ear and feeling peace in my heart. The effect lasted less than 24 hours. I had tasted the honey, but I could not find the hive.
Then I attended a Tony Robbins conference a few months later, and in the craziness of those four days, all physical ailments and fears abandoned me. I felt full of life like I had never felt full of life before. I found a tribe. We sang. We danced. We hugged. We yelled positive affirmations of self belief and gratitude. The effects lasted for a few weeks after. I grinned unconsciously as I walked about the city for days and days, but removed from my tribe the effect wore off. I had tasted the honey once more, a big old spoon of it, but still I could not find the hive. I wrote a couple of posts after where I declared Tony to be my Guru (link here and here) – I knew nothing, but I knew enough, at that time.
From these points on I’ve been in turmoil. Utter turmoil. Having had glimpses of what life is really about, but living in a world seemingly unaware of it. A world of fear, anger and sadness. Where humour is savagely used as a clever defence mechanism to ease our own insecurities and fear. Defence is a form of offence. Where ‘love’ is often so greedy and demanding, not free and unconditional. In our fear so many of us place money and security at the top of our wishlists, if we have enough money we’ll be ok, we’ll have a house and someone will love us. We’ll be safe. We may be safe, but we’re not happy. We sacrifice our families and our happiness for the security. Who am I to tell you what is what? I am no one, but I am someone. However, if me saying that upsets you then you are not free, and therefore not happy. Not truly happy.
Back to the story. I was screwed, I’d seen those glimpses of the truth. I knew that there was more, and I could not stop until I found it. I had a new addiction forming. Those glimpses unsettled me immensely. The longer I spent trying to kid myself that the old ways were the right ways, and longer I held on and fought to re-find my old life, the more sick and depressed I became. I had swallowed Morpheus’ red pill and there is no going back to the Matrix once you’ve seen it for it is. An illusion.
I spiralled, a ball of anxiety and worry, my inner conflict pushing my stress levels through the roof until I could not function in your society any longer and removed myself from it. For 3 months I wandered aimlessly and alone, first in a van in Australia, then on foot around my home London, and then by bus and train around Spain. Everyone was so envious of that time off, but I wandered aimless, lost, alone and without purpose. I pretended I was loving life, trying to fool myself into believing it. The only time I felt truly free is when I was alone on the dancefloors of Ibiza, serotonin pumping into my brain with chemical precision. Without the drugs, however, there was no freedom.
Eventually I slumped on to the beaches of Thailand, in a pit of darkness, with all but a sliver of hopeful light still burning inside me. This was it. This had to be it. If this wasn’t it then I wasn’t sure I could go on.
It was it.
The spider bite that triggered my fall into poor health some three and a half years ago robbed me of the freedom to enjoy my old existence, but as I look back now I realise I hadn’t been enjoying my old existence, not really. My behaviour was a facade. A coping mechanism designed to allow me to survive the fear and sadness locked inside of me.
That spider bite is the best present I have ever received. A lesson like no other. It led me to those beaches and that jungle in Thailand, so that I may learn how to find the hive, to find the honey, and my fellow bees. I spent 10 weeks moving my body, learning about that body, learning the history of our species and the world. Learning about life. My life. Our life. All life. I cried out my sadness on that yoga mat again and again, and when that stopped I started to shake out the fear, over and over again. And then, when enough of that fear and sadness was gone, I started to laugh, and smile. I shake my head in disbelief and tears form in my eyes as I write this and realise just how lucky I am to have been bitten by that spider. I am grateful for everything that came before, everything, because it led me to this moment right now, where I am sitting in my bed, alone, and yet not feeling remotely alone. I wrote a post called ‘it’s time to talk about Thailand‘. This post is really just an extension of that, an evolution if you were.
Two days ago I laid down on the grass in the small park at Rushcutters Marina. People were dotted around the park, keeping their distance from each other. I laid on the grass, arms and legs cast open, and stared at the blue sky above me. My eyes subconsciously closed and I fell into a meditation. The sun that I now see when I close my eyes started to pulse until it became still, and then the waves of blue that I sometimes see if I watch that sun started to rise from below. All of a sudden my eyes popped open, I did not ask them to, but as I took in the blue above I was surrounded by millions of flecks of glimmering white light, like angels around me, and the waves of blue that I’ve only ever seen with my eyes closed surrounded me like a wind. The clouds above moved and formed into solid shapes, and a pair of lorikeets sped past my vision. My entire being was filled with a blissful love I cannot put into words, my back arched in ecstasy, a large sigh of pleasure formed at my lips and left my body. For those ten minutes or so that I lay there taking it all in with wonderment, I truly was in heaven. I have not touched a chemical in weeks. I’m making my own.
I am the hive I was looking for.
My ego is screwed, I have seen it for what it is; a manipulative traitor. My heart knows the truth, my heart is connected to the universe. My brain is merely a tool to follow what the universe tells my heart. Of course the ego still rises, but when he does I am becoming more understanding of him and his pain. He is not me. He too, is an illusion.
The virus is a spider bite. A gift from the universe, from god, but I’ve come to realise that you will not accept it if you are not ready, you will not learn until you have felt enough pain. There is no point in me preaching to you. You will lament this ‘corona’ virus as an evil that much be destroyed. Something that must be fought with resilience and science. I do not blame you. You did not get bitten by the spider in your sleep. And yet you sleep. The virus is a spider bite for the world. You might contain it with science and the growing war on your own freedom for now, but the virus is not a spider bite. It is a lesson. And until the lesson is learnt it will continue to be taught. It will continue to bite.
Corona means ‘crown’ in Spanish. The 7th chakra sits atop the crown of our head, it is referred to as the crown chakra in the ancient texts. The 7th chakra, the crown chakra is our connection to God, to the divine light, to the universe. We all have one, but sit oblivious to it until someone or something shows us. Jesus wore a crown of thorns. The angels wear a halo. We all wear a halo, some halos burn bright, some are dimmed so much you can barely make them out, but we all wear a halo. We are all angels. We all have the capacity to burn bright. It is the responsibility of those who do glimmer with hope and love to show the others the light.
My heart is physically, literally, aching right now with the pain on this Earth. As I walk around it picks up on all of it. As I lay here in my bed typing I feel it ache. Only when I remove myself from the external pain and go inwards or to the sky does that ache subside, and my halo burn bright as I feel his loving embrace.
When you have hurt enough, when you have learnt the lesson you came here to this Earth to learn, you will find me waiting for you with arms open. My heart is aching for you to join me. It is time to grow a new hive. When you are ready, when it is time, shine bright. Let the world see you for the angel you are.
This blog from start to finish, if indeed this is the finish, has been my truth. In that first post I declared that I would be nothing but honest. I have left some stuff out, but I have been nothing, but honest. This is my truth. My bible. But this is not my truth. This is the truth. The only truth.
I’m aware that history suggests I may be crucified for saying so. This is a sacrifice I am now willing to make. I have no say in the matter.
Love and Peace be with you,